So for the moment I hate love. I hate all that love brings. Love is lonely and isolating. It fills the mind with thoughts you would never think. It is a weakness. It is over used. It is commercial. It is an enigma… This is what I feel right now. I find my life more and more lonely as those I know fall in love. It feels like my friends are dying. It seems that when you are in love you forget about others and only focus on the “only.” It also seems that the only way to end this loneliness is to fall in love so you yourself are not alone. It is something humanity has praised and glorified to the point of a mockery. Everyone has there own idea of love. Scientifically love is a simple misfire of neurons and the release of endorphins. Love is technically a high. So really can you blame anyone for the choices they make? It’s just like being drunk or stone. It’s why you always hear people after a relationship saying things along the lines of “What was I thinking?”
 

Love only brings pain and suffering… misery to yourself and others. Humanity thinks only of itself and love just reinforces that. No one cares about another. Any care that one might have for another is simply the keep them as a toy, as means of entertainment and distraction from the loneliness that life brings.
 

I have never understood love… I hope I never fall in love again… That is what I think for now, the way I feel at this moment. I may look back at this and laugh one day or it may just reaffirm what I feel. Time will tell.

I recently talked to a friend of mine and during the course of the conversation she said some words that struck home hard and have been wandering my brain. She said “It’s nice to special, wanted, desired, and loved. I want that and he makes me feel that way.” Those words stung, and they stung because they’re true. Everyone wants that. I want that. I realized the same thing about two weeks ago after a series of events but I suppressed it. Now it’s festered to the surface again stronger than ever. I want someone in my life that makes me feel the way everyone feels when they’re in love. I want to be wanted, desired, special and loved.

I won’t find that though. I want it more than anything and thus I will never get it. Everyone has something in there life that they want more than anything. That something that would sell would sell their soul for. Mine is to truly be loved and to love. I’ll never have that though because of who and what I am.

I’ve been told I’m not a bad guy that I’m not ugly. Maybe I am, then again maybe I’m not. I realized though the truth even if I am such a great guy, even if I am attractive, even if I am so bloody fucking perfect that any girl would want me, the god damn point is, no one does. I’m just life’s bloody fucking silver medal.

Time and time again when I see a girl I like or find someone I’m interested I always become their friend. That’s not so bad you think well think again. Nothing hurts more than watching someone you care about fall for someone else. Nothing hurts more than realizing you’ll never be good enough. And nothing, nothing hurts more than to hear how great you are again and again by everyone who knows and still be alone.

If I’m so fucking great why am I alone?

Why?

This is why.

So I have to admit I’m not very experience in this whole dating thing. Then again who really is? And would anyone really want to admit that? Who knows? Despite my little experience, recent events have occurred that have made me realize that I once again am willing to throw my hat into the ring and make an attempt at trying to find that special someone. Which means I’ve had to spend some time thinking about what it is exactly it is I am looking for in a significant other.

I’ve been told by a few friends that my standards might be too high but experience has taught that settling for less will never make you happy. No one should settle. That’s like saying to the person you’re with “Way to go, you’re my silver medal.” No one wants to be someone’s silver medal. It’s unfair and belittling to them. Personally I don’t think my standards are that high and I think they are quite reasonable but they are requirements that I can’t faultier on because experience has taught that these things are important.

Personality

Personality is THE most important and probably the make or break of the requirements. I want woman who is independent and yet dependant. I don’t want someone who is so independent that it feels like I’m excess baggage or someone who is so dependant that it feels like it she’s a barnacle. Someone who realizes that it’s important to go out and see her friends and have a life in addition to me, and that the same applies to me. I don’t want a woman who is going to be overly possessive and distrustful. I have female friends and they are just that, friends. I’ve made the mistake of giving up all my female friends for someone and I’ve learned that if someone asks that of you they’re not worth it. I want a woman who doesn’t mind being romanced every once and while. I’m a romantic and enjoy giving flowers for no reason or going out for a nice romantic meal just cause. I want a woman who knows how to have fun and can enjoy life.

Physical Looks

Physical looks are important, as I think you have to be attracted to them. I’ve met many women where I think they have amazing personalities but I could never date them because I’m not attracted to them. I feel like a shallow asshole putting something like this here but again this is important. I thought I was better than myself and that looks don’t matter but they do. Let’s face it people stay together because when they look at the other person they do something for them even when they are old grey and wrinkly. I want that I want someone I find attractive, who is beautiful to me. They don’t have to be drop dead supermodel hotness but they can’t be beaten by the whole ugly tree ugly either. I like the average girl the one you might see on the street. She has to have meat on her but not fat. I look at skinny women and think “For the love of god eat something!” Women should have curves but not be a curve. I want a woman who’s a healthy weight and cares about her health. She doesn’t have to be an exercise freak but she has to take care of herself. Yet I don’t care if she smokes or drinks. What attracts me the most and is the biggest turn-ons for me are the eyes and the smile of a woman.

Attitude

Attitude is their outlook towards dating and life. I don’t want a woman who thinks that there is always going to be someone better than me out there. I don’t want to be someone’s silver medal and I don’t want someone to be mine. I want her to be happy with me. I want her to treat me with respect which is what everyone deserves and has the right to in a relationship. I want her to realize I’m not perfect, I’m human, that I’ll make mistakes and I’ll let her down but never on purpose, and that she won’t chastise me if I do, do those things. I want someone who enjoys life and doesn’t always sit on the couch all day log like a lump, someone who likes going for walks with no goal in mind but doesn’t mind a day to “veg” every once and while after a couple long hard days. People get depressed and have tough times but I don’t want someone I have to spend all my free time cheering.

Sex and Sexuality

I’m not some boorish base beast who is out there to score but I do enjoy sex as do most people. I think sex is important in an intimate relationship. I want a woman who enjoys sex and isn’t afraid of it. I’m a big supporter of premarital sex. Again, this is not because I’m in it for the lay, but because I’ve had to end a relationship because we were just not compatible sexually. I have a higher sex drive I’ll admit that.  I’m not looking for a woman who wants it every second of the day but at least once a week or even once every two would be nice. Experimentation and variety are the spice of life and that applies to sex as well. Try something once to see if it works and if you like it or not but do it open mindedly or don’t do it all.

This by no means a static or complete list. It will evolve as I grow and as I learn more and more about myself and what it is I want. If you’re reading this and get offended I’m sorry but my intent was never to offend but to vocalize for myself what it is I want. More importantly to inspire people to sit and give a serious think about their past relationships, themselves and what it is they want in a significant other.

So I get older soon… heh… I make it sound like it’s an instantaneous thing. Truth is we are always getting older but I find I only reflect on age as my birthday gets closer. This year more than others I am more nostalgic and more aware of my past than ever before. I find every moment that passes I am bombarded by memories of everything I’ve done. I find this very, very disconcerting and somewhat painful. For those who know me I’m a very forgetful person and I have problem remembering things about people and things in my life. I’m usually lucky to remember what I ate for breakfast that day quite literally. These days though I can’t stop myself from remembering. Everything seems to be setting off these cascades of memories. These memories are not just of emotionally powerful events but of also of mundane and banal moments. Some of my favourite memories are flipping shopping carts over fences at the local mall in high school, going for “funruns”, that time I watch a guy drop acid in grade 9 science class, sitting looking out the window wondering what if feels like for birds to fly, times at the cottage with my friends having conversations about our sex lives, moments on the bus commuting to Toronto, sitting with Elyse in the car at Port, philosophical conversations with a dear friend, games of magic, fights with friends, mad foaming rants about stupid things, the women I’ve loved, the heart they brought, throwing gas cans on bon fires, tricking a friend into drinking Jack Daniels while we did shots of ice tea, the time my friend had a heart attack at the end of Port pier, sleeping over a friends place after he was dumped so he wouldn’t hurt himself, the high school crushes I had that I could never speak, the pride I felt at graduation, moments at work and the stupid things we would do, the loss of failing my first course, the hate I felt for my parents, the pain of being beaten up, the times I learned and failed at skating, seeing my sisters face all bloody after falling off her bike, eating marshmallows at my grandparents, cleaning cars in the winter to build forts, the moment where I wondered if I was gay, the first I ever saw, the first fight I ever won, the first time I got drunk, the first time I got kissed and how hard I fell, my first dance and the embarrassment I felt as I got an erection while she was pressed against me, the trip to a girlfriend’s grandfather’s funeral and helplessness I felt in comforting her, the first time I had sex, the last time I had sex, the first time I got high, the first cigar I smoked, the moments of video games that blur together, crying after seeing Moulin Rouge, laughing at people cheering for Blade in the theatres, the first time I met each of my friends, the time I spent in my parents basement trying not to hurt anyone, the fear of moving out on my own, the time I cried in Lynn Lake because everything that could go wrong did, my first swim meet and how cold the water was, playing asshole in high school and euchre in university, the moments in Earth Science classes, crawling through the hole in a friends wall to get out, getting locked in my friends shed, hoping for wooden daggers from my friends grandfather, every awful Christmas with my family, planning my wedding, fighting with my girlfriend, driving on the open road, climbing the trials back home, the flowers in my father’s garden, building canals in the backyard, folding my first frog, watching Cheers, crawling up stairs and looking at my grandfather, how big I used to think everything was, teaching students, feeling lonely, watching my friend move away, listening to my mother complain, watching my friend puncture his leg and bleed all over his sisters white carpet, stealing scrap metal to make katanas, digging up a neighbours rose bush so we could marbles, losing all my marbles at school to some kid, the first time I lost control of myself and cried because it felt so good, seeing my sister cry, eating oatmeal in the winter, the first time I was allowed to chew gum, teaching origami in elementary school, the taste of her lips after a smoke and how much I enjoyed it, the times I lied to friends, my first date, crashing friends places, professor’s funerals, party after party, my thesis, the first day of my career, the feelings of uncertainty of what life had in store for me, climbing my first tree and each one after that, the disappointment of everything I did hoping someone would do the same to me and never having it happen, friends weddings, the daydreams I’ve had, the feelings of awkwardness, the three women I love, the one person I hate, the moments alone questioning who and what I am, moments in Niagara on the lake, the time I proposed, the guilt I’ve felt for things I’ve done, every stupid thing I’ve done, the arrogance I’ve felt and the moments I’ve chastised myself for them, lying to parents, catching family in embarrassing moments, the time my dog timed (both), silly moments in D&D, playing in the rain, musicals I’ve seen, every secret I’ve been entrusted with, staying up all night to guard someone I love, crying at my sisters, the pride I felt for my brother at his graduation, the way he annoyed me every time he emulated me, holding him after he was born, bathes with my sister, the first time I saw the ocean, the fog in New Brunswick, laughing at the duck shaped rock, watching ships at the canal, swimming in Lake Ontario, sandcastles and carousel rides, eating dalts, fried baloney, worrying about how to date a vegetarian, moments of self hatred, moments of pride, listening to my Discman during history class, beating my sister in science and never having tried, the calm moments of folding, the first time I shot a bow, working the golf course and riding the gator, risky moments with girlfriends, waving to that guy in the building across from me, rocking climbing and how sick I felt looking down the first time, the first time I was told by someone that they respected me, the feeling of dog shit squishing between my toes…

I should probably stop now, this is a lot longer than I thought. This list is really only from today. The short circuiting that my brain has been doing reminds me that I’m very odd but that I don’t care. I don’t care to change anything these are all parts of me and things that have shaped me. I think I know who I am and what I am and I’m comfortable in that. I would do everything again and I would never change a damn thing. Every moment of pain and pleasure is worth it. I look forward to the new ones that I’ll have, every one, even if it is blissful or baneful. I’m corny, obsessive, manic, touchy, caring, worrisome, a chump, a hopeless romantic, a dreamer, an asshole, a liar, a joker, a shoulder to cry on, everyone’s sounding board, a pack rat, a control freak, overemotional, overdramatic, hopeful, a child, a man, an artist, ignorant, innocent, guilty, odd, and naïve. It’s who I am, and I’m happy with that. I wonder where life will lead next?

So life has been on an upturn for the most part there have some moments where life looked like a bleak and uninviting alternative to death but those moments have passed.

Let’s see… SCENE 08 just happened and I had an absolute blast and bought more CDs than I should have but meh I don’t care they were worth it! I picked up CDs by Everlea (x2), Street Pharmacy, illScarlet, Staylefish, The Most Serene Republic (amazing!!), Alpha Galates, and Sun Satellites. I wish I could have found a Keepin’ 6 CD.

I went hiking with Nicole and stepped on a bees nest and got to run like a dingbat from a swarm of bees :P I am mad at her though (in a good way) she showed me a couple bands that I didn’t get to see CDs and now I want them :( Damn you Crush Luther and Hello beautiful for being good bands!! lol

Went to my friend Lee and Trish’s Canada Day party which was amazing but I had to leave it early so I could get back to Toronto. I had a blast despite the short time there.

And I recently have had an amazing idea! I would explain it but someone would see it (I’m referring to you Nicole) and I can’t have that happen because it involves her. But I think it will be an amazing idea and be a great time for us.

I had the oddest dream last night and I thought I should tell everyone since well it did involve some of you were in it. It was very realistic and very vivid which was weird since I rarely, as of late, remember a dream.

I dreamt last night that everyone I know was going to Brock University at the same time as me. We were all in the same year and it was exam time. One of the odd things was that Brock looked like a cross between Nathan Philip’s Square (NPS) and Brock. It had the tower but it had a courtyard like around NPS. Everyone was pouring out of the tower as we had all finished some exam that was paramount to our lives and the future. I wandered the courtyard looking for people I knew concerned about how they were doing.

The first person I ran into was Troope. When I asked how he did he responded “It took me a while to figure out what was right.” I smiled at him and when he asked how I did, I didn’t respond and walked off looking for someone else. I found Elyse next. Her response to the question was “Whatever. It is what it is, and I can make the best of it.” She turned away from me and walked off. I stared at her sadly and continued my searching. I found Hunter, Ken, and Kristen in a small group laughing and trying to one up each other about how they did. I can’t remember what they said just that one thing they did say was “Once you got the pattern everything fell together.” I smiled at them and walked away. I passed some water and saw Lee off alone with Trish. I don’t know why but I didn’t want to go near them and simply smiled and waved. They looked at me and smiled. I walked past groups of people I called friends. High schools friends and even elementary school ones. I remember seeing my friend Pearson and hearing him laugh. I saw Alicia and walked past her with a smile.

I walked alone for a bit I don’t know how long until I ran into Ryan. I tried to make friendly small talk with him but he just kept talking about how Nicole probably failed. He talked about how terrible she is and how he told her she would fail before we started. I looked at him for a second and walked away looking for Nicole. I found her walking alone in the crowd crying. I remember what she was wearing. I was an orange white beater shirt with her favourite pair of jeans and sandals. I walked up to her and before I could ask she said “Chalk me up as another of life’s great failures. Looks like he was right” I felt horrible and wanted to cheer her up. I said “Don’t listen to him.” And I was suddenly in my home in Toronto. I picked up my cell and called her. When she said “Hello” I answered “Even if you are a failure it doesn’t matter to me. I still care about you.” And I woke up…

What an odd dream. I never cared about myself just about others. Its left me feeling kind of odd and out of place.

Oh my god I am getting so excited about SCENE this year! I went last year for the first time with my friend Nicole and had an absolute blast! I kinda hope I get to see her again this year there but if not its okay. I should be paying attention and reading up on the markets or something right now at work but instead I’m on the SCENE website clicking on the links to each of the bands music pages. Some of these bands are amazing (and some are ass)!  I’m working on plans to see the bands I’m excited about. I have a list of definitelies, maybes, and back up plans (all colour coded too! Yes I have that much time). Hurray for SCENE!!! Hurray for this weekend!!!!

So the weekend has been the best weekend ever with a bitter twist. My amazing friend Nicole came by to spend part of the weekend with me so we could see Evil Dead the musical (on Friday the 13^th woot!). She came with so much stuff for just a couple days it was kind of mind blowing at first but after she explained everything it made a lot of sense. The front of my hall feels kind of lonely right now without all that stuff there :( Really that’s what is so bittersweet about this weekend. I had an absolute blast and now its over. My apartment feels kind of lonely. I really liked having someone to hang out with who I could just sit around and talk with. I wish I had company more often. Evil Dead was awesome though a little on the blood light side of things. The best was walking to the theatre in the rain. It was so bad that at one point I finally just said screw it and folded up the umbrella because the rain was coming down so hard and fast sideways, yes I said sideways, that I didn’t much of a point to the umbrella. It was awesome! The thunder and lightening was so abundant that you could pretty much read by it and it was literally flash-bang with no space between them. The streets were flooded it was so cool, though the getting covered in TO street water as cars drove by wasn’t. Saturday we hung around and watched anime and part of series call “The Lost Room.” It made me so happy to actually introduce Nicole to something instead of her always introducing me to things it made me feel special :)

This just in we have an urgent news update: Shaun is not going to the Yukon now. He has just received the news this morning at 8:32am EST. Apparently, the cancellation is due to a miscommunication between his supervisor and one of the company clients. The client believed that they could hire the plucky young geologist away from his place of employment Wardrop Engineering. When corrected of his misunderstanding and informed of the actual cost to employ Shaun the client refused to pay and all hopes for him were dashed.

In other news…

I went to see Wicked!!!! I saw it with Nicole and it was mind blowingly awesome! I spent the first half hour (I think it was hard to tell) not blinking with my mouth wide open. We spent the show like kids on Christmas day. Each song was a different gift that got us all excited and bouncing in our seats! The initial stage design of the production was awe inspiring when you first entered the theatre. The great dragon clock and the map of Oz was awesome! I have to say I had no idea about what the exact story was for the show but I had an idea based on the soundtrack. So many characters ended becoming bigger villains than I had expected. It has helped realized what cards are perfect to represent each card in a Wicked themed magic deck I’m making. The costumes were gorgeous! I want an outfit like what the Wizards wears I loved his hat and coat. Fiyero’s costume during “Dancing through Life” was amazing as well. Afterwards we went for pizza and made our way to my parents place. It was an absolute blast just sitting around with Nicole and talking again and randomness (I missed you and I missed doing that with you). I was sooo sad to have to take her home I wanted to sit around and talk forever. The best was when she busted up into laughter about my “lingual” skills when she was mocking me about my inability to talk. LOL. I can’t wait for this weekend now when I get to see her again and we get to see Evil Dead the musical. YAY for blood gore and deadite ass kicking!!! She’ll get to see my apartment! Ooo I have to start cleaning I want it to be nice. LOL.

So the last entry was all about suck and boo and fail. This one is happier. I got an apology from my friend and dressed up in costume. Things were an amazing blast. I saw may costumes and got my picture taken a lot. HURRAY!!!

So I called in sick today. Its my first time and I feel bad about it. I didn't sleep at all last night I was sick as a dog (no need for details), I kept waking up thinking one of my turtles had escaped the tank again (because she had earlier that day), and to top it all off my eyes did their usual bleeding/searing pain thing when I have an allergic reaction to something in the air so I woke up partial blind. At the time I thought this was a good enough reason to call in sick but now I feel great and almost all my sight has returned! So now as per usual I'm being hard on myself and telling myself I should have gone into work. I fond my turtle by the way. It was the first time in almost 10 years since one of them escaped.

So I'm feeling very nostalgic right now... Apparently my play list on Winamp has decided that I need to be reminded of amazing times and the songs associated with. In particular it seems obsessed with the times I spent at the Frat House on Goth night before Red Square opened, when being Goth meant you weren't an elitist. I really love that kind of music and I miss it. Maybe I can find a place in TO that has that kind of music without the attitude. Also my play list seems to have just found out that I have songs I used to hear at high school dances and wants to play too every other song just to mix things up. 
This has made me realized that despite the fact that I didn't think I would ever really change I have changed quite drastically. When I was younger I was obsessed with my honour and my image. Everything was black and white and there was no grey. These days I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of but I'm glad I did and would do again. My views have shifted; everything is now in shades of grey. Maybe one day I'll look back on these days and pensively observe what I've done and what I will do.

Had a great weekend! I got to go for little walk with a friend of mine as we discussed the wonders of the opposite sex. Found out I'm not crazy twice this weekend! First when I kept hearing cell phone ring and my friend couldn't I thought I was nuts but I found one in the mud and returned it to its owner (Yay good deeds!) . The second was when I went to the doctors and he told me "You're not crazy, you're too hard on yourself and you just don't deal well with things it just takes you longer than others." Yay not crazy! I went through Ripley's with another friend and she bitched about it :( but I enjoyed it. I wanted to cheer her up. She was a bit down after her grandma had a stroke (fair enough, right?). Monday I got to see a dear friend of mine and go for a drink. Yes, I drank a beer! Twenty seven and its the first whole beer I've ever drank. It's odd but she's the only one I feel safe enough to drink around. We had a great talk and now I'm trying to get tickets to go see Evil Dead the musical with her :) Yay zombies!